SLAPSTICK

by Fred Coppersmith

INT. SMALL OFFICE—DAY

MURPHY and HOWARDS sit behind a desk. Enter JOAN.

JOAN

Hey what’s up? You guys wanted to see me?

MURPHY

Yeah, Joan, c’mon in. We were just planning out next week’s sketch show and we wanted to run something by you.

JOAN

Sure, what is it?

HOWARDS

Joan, how you do feel about slapstick?

JOAN

Slapstick?

HOWARDS

Yeah, you know, real broad physical comedy. Like the Three Stooges.

MURPHY

Or the Marx Brothers.

HOWARDS

Or student government. You know, that sort of thing.

JOAN

Well I don’t know. I guess I’ve never really thought about it before.

HOWARDS

Because we were thinking — and this is just an idea — but some of the writers pitched a script for next week that we think you’d be perfect for.

MURPHY

It’s really funny.

HOWARDS

But it is kind of physical.

JOAN

Well...

(suddenly suspicious)

This isn’t going to be like last week when you guys asked me to set both of my arms on fire, is it?

Long pause. HOWARDS and MURPHY exchange a look. They both laugh nervously.

HOWARDS

Um, no. No, of course not.

MURPHY

Don’t be silly.

HOWARDS

We would never ask you to do that sort of thing again, Joan.

MURPHY

The fire marshal won’t let us.

JOAN

Uh huh.

HOWARDS

And besides, we’re really sorry about that. Honest. We never meant for things to get so out of hand.

MURPHY

Who knew that angora sweater you were wearing could be so flammable? You went up like a Roman candle.

HOWARDS

Exactly. Which is why it’s so nice to see you back at work again so soon, Joan.

MURPHY

Agreed. You can hardly see the burns.

HOWARDS

Dr. Wilkins does real good work.

MURPHY

(quietly, to HOWARDS)

Well he’s not really a doctor, is he? I mean, I thought we were going to —

HOWARDS angrily shushes MURPHY, nodding towards JOAN.

MURPHY

Oh. Right. Good work, that Wilkins. Excellent...um...doctor.

HOWARDS

Right. Anyway.

JOAN

So about this sketch...?

HOWARDS

Ah, right! Well, you’d be playing the part of Rachel. She’s a typical college student much like yourself.

MURPHY

Nothing unusual.

HOWARDS

Except she has these very large breasts.

Pause

JOAN

What?

HOWARDS

Not that your breasts are small or anything.

MURPHY

No, not at all.

HOWARDS

In fact they’re quite lovely.

MURPHY

Indeed. We were just saying.

HOWARDS

It’s just that Rachel’s are...bigger. Rounder and fuller. They’re exaggerated – you know, like for comic effect or something.

MURPHY

The kids love that comic effect.

HOWARD

Indeed.

JOAN

So is that the sketch? A girl with big boobs?

HOWARD

Well we’re not calling it that or anything?

MURPHY

(chuckling)

No. “The Girl With Big Boobs”? The censors would have a field day.

HOWARDS

But, yeah, I think you’ve got the basic idea.

MURPHY

Now, we were thinking some kind of padding. Maybe a special polystyrene bra? Breast augmentation is still on the table as an option, but I think it would eat pretty heavily into our prop budget for the week.

HOWARDS

(to MURPHY)

We could always get Wilkins to do the surgery again. He does work fast and cheap.

MURPHY

I don’t think he’s out on parole just yet.

JOAN

Guys, no. I’m not doing a sketch that’s just about a girl with big breasts. How is that even funny?

MURPHY

Well...they’re big.

HOWARDS

Did we mention how big they were? Like over-ripe melons.

MURPHY

(to HOWARDS)

I don’t think she’s getting it.

HOWARDS

Hmm. It is pretty visual. They say women don’t like the Three Stooges either.

MURPHY

True. There have been studies. I think I read about this once in an issue of Maxim.

JOAN

Guys, it isn’t that. I like the Three Stooges, okay? But I don’t remember the one where it was just Moe or Curly coming out on screen with big tits.

(beat)

Does this Rachel even have any lines?

HOWARDS

What, you mean like talking or something?

MURPHY

It’s not really a verbal sketch, Joan. Like we said, it’s slapstick.

JOAN

No it’s not. Getting hit in the face with a cream pie is slapstick. Or slipping on a banana peel. This is just an excuse for you guys to stare and ogle at my breasts.

HOWARDS and MURPHY exchange another look. They both laugh nervously.

MURPHY

What? No it’s not.

HOWARDS

Not at all. Really, Joan, I don’t think we even noticed if you had any breasts.

(to MURPHY)

Did we?

MURPHY

Hmm. Breasts? Joan?

(thinking)

No, I don’t think so...

JOAN

But you were just saying a minute ago --

MURPHY

Although – hmm...

MURPHY stares, as if seeing JOAN’S breasts for the first time – as if it never would have occurred to him that she might have breasts in the first place.

MURPHY

(continued)

Yes. Those would be breasts. Definitely. No doubt about it.

HOWARDS

Well, it would be a shame to let them go to waste then. The writers spent at least twenty minutes on this sketch.

MURPHY

Oh, half an hour, easily.

JOAN

And how does it end?

MURPHY

What, the sketch?

JOAN

Yes, the sketch. The one that’s apparently nothing but a girl with big knockers coming out on stage. How does it end? What’s the punch line?

MURPHY

Well...I don’t know, exactly. I seem to remember there was some bouncing involved.

HOWARDS

Yes. Maybe some jiggling? It’s still a little hazy. It’s sort of a work in progress, really.

JOAN

So this Rachel with the big boobs comes out on stage, bounces around a little – for, what, like two or three minutes?

MURPHY

Oh, more like fifteen.

HOWARDS

Yeah, it could easily carry the show.

JOAN

Right. So for fifteen minutes. Bouncing and jiggling. Jiggling and bouncing. And then, what? We just fade to black? Is that how it goes?

HOWARDS

I don’t know...sounds exactly like the Three Stooges to me.

MURPHY

It’s comedy gold.

JOAN

Well you know what, guys? No, I’m not doing it. I promised myself after I got out of the burn ward, no more crazy stunts for this show. I don’t need to come out in a polystyrene bra and bounce around for the better part of half an hour.

(beat)

So you know what? I’m out of here. I don’t need this. I still have some dignity.

JOAN turns to leave. She trips and falls on her way out.

HOWARDS

Now that was slapstick.

MURPHY

Yes.

(beat)

Disappointing, though. I was sure we had her convinced near the end.

HOWARDS

Yes, quite.

(beat)

I suppose you know what this means, though, don’t you?

MURPHY

Yes, I suppose so.

(beat)

Coin toss to see which one of us wears the special bra?

HOWARDS:

I’ve got heads!

FADE TO BLACK.